Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Comeacrossness: Què!

This week in English class we learned some distinctions between English types of newspapers (tabloids and broadsheets), so I think this is an excellent occasion for talking about the most famous diary in the UJI: The free-distributed "Què!".

Què! is a tabloid disguised as a broadsheet, which pretends to have news of importance although it really talks twaddle. It's published in all Spain, but each region has its own version. Què! Castellón concentrates on local news and pay no regard to national or even international ones.

For instance, an article like "Roman ruins discovered near Castellón" would be in the front page, and something like "Obama's Health Plan Succeed" would deserve just a little column on page 15.

But it's still worth getting one or two numbers per day, especially if you are a Grammar Nazi, for it has an incredibly high percentage of spelling and grammar mistakes I've ever seen on a newspaper. A classmate and I like to play a little game: trying to locate every single error in the paper. It's really fun, you should try it.

This is a fake photoshopped front page. The real one can be even funnier. Click to enlarge. It will open on another window.

But Què! is not only silly news and bad spelling/grammar. The best part is the last page, in which you can find the following features:

  • Internet News! - The stupidest news with always have links to the Internerds.
  • Gossip News! - Need no explanation.
  • Today's Weather! - Well, it is the most useful part if the paper, but I don't read it since I still can look at the sky, lol.
  • Lottery! - I don't play, thanks.
  • Passtime! - It contains a sudoku and a crossword puzzle. Warning: They can be exactly the same ones as the day before. It happens more than I would like!
  • Horoscope! - This is my favorite part. Horoscopes are always funny; they predict a generic situation or something that never happens!

But Què!'s horoscope go a step further. When they aren't predicting absurd situations, they directly give what I call "mother's advices". Those are just advices which are applicable for everybody (just like "do not spend too much mney today). Yes, awesome.

The following are real examples which I have been collecting for some months. All of them are from Pisces' predictions, for I am supposed to be a Pisces.

Keep alert. You shouldn't do unnecesary expenses now.
Well, that's quite obvious! We are in the middle of a crisis!

If you want to invest, you should think a lot about it. Be cautious.
Yes, I got the idea: Don't waste money.

You find it difficult to go to work, and you will need to make a big effort. Come on!
No comments.

Be careful with excesses. Today is a day for general moderation.
I agree. But only today. Tomorrow excesses won't be that bad. Cool.

You need to hurry finishing a work so you can start better activities.
The funny fact about this is that I didn't have to finish a work, but THREE of them for that week. Bolonia... *sigh*

It would be a good idea if you got the adrenaline going. Try some exercise.
"Ok, mom. I'll do more exercise." Note that this advice is only for male Pisces.

Days of intuitive clarity (?). You will discover things are not what they seem.
True. I discovered that this horoscope is a piece of crap.

Try not to argue with the others and you'll have a magnificent day.
"Allright, mom. I won't fight other children."

Do not squander money. Remember you still have some bills outstanding.
Insisting again on the economic issue. "Yes, mom. I have enough money for the week."

You tend to spend too much, but you are OK in general. Control yourself.
"Mom, would you like to stop writing my horoscope?"

Your economy is improving gradually, and you will be able to start other things. I want to outline the use of the word "things" and its grammar in general. I'm pretty sure they replaced my mother with a grant holder. Or a chimpanzee. Or both.

Today digestions are slow, so avoid alcohol.
This is just awesome. I'm going to frame it. When I read it, I laughed so hard I think I got stomach cramps.

SHE: If you are going to have plastic surgery, don't choose the cheap one but the most safe.
This is not my horoscope, but it's so good I had to post it. Apart from the doubtful number of Sagittarian girls who were getting surgery that day, this prediction is just absurd! Allright, it's a good advice, but, wasn't there anything else to put on the horoscope? I don't know... "You'll find your true love.", "You will die in three days.", "Don't waste money.", "Stay with your wife.", anything you can imagine.

Well, my conclusion: Què! is an abysmal newspaper, but as a humour magazine, it's almost better than ElJueves. Maybe I'll talk about ElJueves another day.

Go get some Què! You'll have a good time! CU!

1 comment:

  1. What a newspaper! It's full of reaaaaaaaally interesting stories, such an interview with everybody's favourite right-wing snob, Carmen Lomana!

    And its cinema section is brilliant:

    Go and watch this movie. It's rubbish, but they paid us some money to advertise it! And you may see a pair of boobs! Go! Go! Go! Are you still here? GO!